studentbum June 7th 1984 (Age 33) Female United Kingdom New Page 1
Hello and welcome to this very special Geek Pie spin-off. It's been created in celebration of the fact that next week I might have a job and Breezy will be doing whatever she does. From what I gather this usually involves her pretending to go to auditions and singing lots of angsty girl pop at the top of her voice.
Between applying for jobs and her singing we've fitted in a lot of twatting about. We realised today that if I start full time work this is going to have to come to an end. A few weeks ago we were having one of our very deep and meaningful chats and hit upon a plan to one day spend the day as the Desperate Housewives.
To mark the end of this particular era of our lives we decided that the time to do this was now and this website is the result.
If you like it, let me know. If not, blame Breezy.
At about 5pm my brother arrived back with our car. By this time, Breezy and I were pretty peckish and realised that maybe it was time to fit in the extra value budget meal we had planned to top off our day as Desperate Housewives.
After establishing where my brother had been all afternoon (the dentist. He had told me when he phoned us earlier in the day but, I'm getting on and my memory is not what it was) we had to make a quick getaway. Our nephews started grassing us up about things we'd broken (a shed window) , killed (some flowers) and defaced (Kai).
We jumped in the car and with our pedal to the metal (is that a saying or have I made that up?) we left a trail of dust as we hot footed it to Ickenham for dinner and drinks. This is where, I suspected, Bree would come into her element.
Me and Breezy both came to the conclusion that kids today are rubbish. There we were playing dressing up and getting into mischief. Meanwhile, all the boys wanted to do was sit on the sofa, watch TV and absentmindedly pick their noses every so often. Where was the fun in that?
After realising that us being there had no effect on their actions, Breezy and I set about trying to organise some more situations for the housewives to get involved in.
I decided that Bree needed (or I needed....it's all getting a tad confusing) to do some gardening. Breezy decided to make me some lunch.
The videos are below.
There was actually stuff growing in there and I destroyed it. I owe my brother one hanging basket. Whoops.
That's not acting. That's exactly what she's like when she has to cook at home.
As soon as we pulled up outside my brother's house, he was out the door. He tossed us the house keys before comandeering our vehicle and driving off, leaving nothing but a plume of white smoke in his wake. He didn't say a word. No mention of when he'd be back or where he was going. More forword thinking folk might have thought to ask him, but we're not really ideas people.
I winced as I opened the front door as concern about what we would find on the otherside swelled inside me. I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and started to give myself a little pep talk. Just I was getting to the: "Whatever it is, you can handle it," bit, Breezy --fed up with my dilling and dallying-- pushed straight passed me and sauntered off into the front room.
I walked in more gingerly and was greeted by my youngest nephew with some very familiar words. He looked me up and down, screwed up his munchkin like face and said:"I hate you Carrot! You're stupid all the time!" He then flounced off and into the garden wearing odd socks and shoes and with chocolate spread all over his face.
This is something we always go through when he sees me. It all started on Christmas Day, in a scene worthy of the Eastendes' festive episode. I asked him if he wanted someone to play with him and his new toys. He then turned round and said:"Yes. But not you, Carrot. I hate you. You're stupid all the time." I was crushed. I turned round and my family was stood there shaking their heads in sympathy. Although, I'm pretty sure I heard someone utter:" He's little, but he makes a strong point." Now he says it everytime he sees me.
My other nephew, Zack is always much happier to see me and despite being only six ( or possibly seven, I'm not very good with ages where kids, adults or the elderly are concerned) we have a lot in common. We both obsess over all things Spongebob, the thought of dancing polar bears keeps us in belly laughs for hours and we both giggle when someone says the word poo.
Today he was dressed in a karate suit, for reasons we never managed to establish. It was made irrelevant once he sustained a head injury while the following piece of footage was filmed.
No children were harmed in the making of this video. Only the one in the karate suit. He gets his MRI scan results on Monday.
Following Breezy's success with Zack, she then turned her attention to Kai, the Caroline hating 3-4 year old.
Breezy is going to make a wonderful mother someday.
It was then my turn to try and keep the kids amused. There is another version of this clip at YouTube. Neither of them went to plan, so we left them as they were.
Kids hate me. That's all there is to say.
In the end, we knew we were fighting a losing battle. The kids didn't want us to amuse them, they just wanted to be left alone to get on with the business of their day. Eating copious amounts of jam sandwiches, insulting me and getting to watch Spongebob.
Then Breezy and I had to find other ways to amuse ourselves until our big brother got home.
All that time spent with the old people of Ruislip had left Breezy and I feeling a bit nauseous. To remedy this, we decided a change of scenery was in order. We jumped in the car and took to the hills. The Northwood Hills.
While driving around Breezy smelt something. A heady mix of tire rubber, engine grease and chugging engines. She followed her nose and before long we found ourselves parked out the front of a garage.
Once Breezy had been forcibly removed from the forecourt and I was warned that my map of Lego Land was not going to get us anywhere in the real world, we drove off.
This time I was behind the wheel leaving it to Breezy to do not very much at all and so she started amusing herself in other ways.
Video: From time to time Breezy likes to think she's Tom Baker. She's not obviously. She has more facial hair.
Suddenly, my phone rang. I panicked, thinking that it might be something to do with a job and that I'd blow my chances by blurting out that now was not a good time for me to talk because I was playing Desperate Housewives. It was alright though, it was my brother asking if we could watch his kids.
Could we? Of course we could! This was just the kind of shit that the Desperate Housewives live for. So we turned our car around and headed back to Hayes.
With a less than hearty breakfast inside us, we decided to take the car and hit the road. The first stop was Ruislip, where we pencilled in a trip to the high street to mingle with the well to do and colostomy bag carrying residents of the town and planned to take in some of the local landmarks. Unfortunately, we discovered that places of actual interest are quite thin on the ground round there.
The only place of note we found was the duck pond. We hung around there and took a few pictures of us enjoying the surroundings. Desperate Housewives are always going to places like that!
After a while, we started to get chilly and decided to treat ourselves to a lovely cup of tea and a sit down in a tearoom near the duck pond. This place is renowned for being twee and quaint. We could just imagine Susan walking in and landing head first in a cake or something. However, when we got in there, we realised the place was populated with beings that looked like they'd survived the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs, they were so old.
We sat down, placed our order and waited. I don't think either of us have ever felt more uncomfortable and out of place in our lives. It was made worse by the fact that we both heard the lady who took our order say, "God, I think they're prostitutes. Look at their shoes!" Now a lesser pair of adventurers probably would have gulped down their tea, thrown a fiver on the table and legged it, but that's not our style.
If people start staring at you and you can't think why, you have to do something to make you worth staring at. Me and Breezy resolved to whip out our camera and get shooting. The pictures are part of the slideshow below and please make sure you check out the decor in the back ground.
As Bree, I took it upon myself to invite Gabrielle (Breezy) to our Uncle's house for breakfast. I was supposed to make pancakes, serve her coffee and prepare fresh juice, but I forgot to buy any of it.
Video: My half-hearted attempt at breakfast making for Gabrielle (Breezy)
Video: Gabrielle arrives for breakfast- This clip has prompted someone to comment on YouTube that he'd give her breakfast. Hmmm, quite.
After a well deserved telling off from Breezy, I ran to the 24-hour garage on the corner of his road in order to fetch supplies. It was 11am, I was all dressed up and half walking /running along the quiet residential street where my Uncle lives. Once I reached the forecourt, I twisted my ankle and had to hobble the rest of the way. This obviously attracted the attention of the gum-chewing lady --with a figure like Buddha-- behind the counter, because she gave me a very quizzical look as I walked in.
Surveying the shelves, I quickly realised I'd be hard pushed to find anything that the Desperate Housewives would eat in there. It was all microwave burgers, Cornish pasties and hotdogs. I went to the fridge to look for some fresh orange juice and the best they had was squash or Special Brew. Although, cool can of the bad stuff would have gone down a treat then, I decided I'd better take the cordial.
As I walked to the till, it was my turn to give the lady in charge of the till a look. That much facial hair on a man would be cause for concern; but on a lady, it should warrant them being taken in for scientific testing.
I had to look away when I handed her the cash and I'm glad I did. Not because I would have bought up the coffee I had drunk on my way out of the house, but I spotted a packet of out of date croissants on the fast sale shelf.
What a result! Breakfast was saved and off I ran, back to the house. On the way I considered my progress so far in trying to live like Bree. To be honest, I don't think I was doing a very good job. But then, look where all those fine breakfasts and periods of super organisation had got her. She had a dead husband and a murderous stalker on her back.
Maybe I wasn't doing too badly after all.
Video: Gabrielle eating the wonderful breakfast I'd prepared. Hmmm scrumptious.
Saying you are going to spend the day acting like Desperate Housewives has proven to be quite hard. None of our neighbours are involved in any murder cases (that we know of) and the most dramatic thing that's happened on our street was last week when Breezy parked in our neighbour's parking space. They knocked on the door, asked her to move, but she couldn't find the keys. Then she did and duly parked somewhere else. Not exactly edge of your seat stuff, but that's the best you can hope for round here.
To guide we decided the simplest thing to do would be to follow the lead of the most desperate housewife of all-- our Mum. So we set off in our car to go and talk to her. Halfway there we had a change of heart. The whole reason my Mum has turned into the bewildering crackpot that she is, is all down to the fact she had five kids. We were by no means tearaways, but we certainly had our moments. Incidents involving myself are responsible for quite a few of the frown lines that decorate her forehead.
There was the time I shot my older sister in base of the spine with an umbrella because she wouldn't let me have a go on Tetris on the Gameboy. There was also the time where I stamped repeatedly on the foot of my second oldest brother because he'd been taking the piss out of me. This might not sound too bad, but what you have to bear in mind is that he was recovery after having an operation on his hip. No, I wasn't a very nice kid.
Without our Mum as inspiration, we had to get it from elsewhere. So we sat in the car and strapped on our thinking caps --mine's green and Breezy's is pink. After about 45 minutes of constant thinking we decided that our day was to be spent doing things that the housewives on the show would do.
Going to rodeos, cake baking events and expensive restaurants. Unfortunately, there's nothing like that round here so instead we had to plump for going to a duck pond, a cake shop and a Beefeater. Three words: Living the dream.
Below are two video clips we put together to imagine how our characters makes it out of bed in the morning.
Video: I wish I had this much get up and go in the mornings.
Video: Christine has always had a nose for the boys, which is why she is so good as Gabrielle
This morning, Breezy stumbled into my room with her arms trapped above her head and her mouth stuffed with red cotton. After putting on my glasses, it was quite clear to see that the red top she'd bought so that she could pretend to be Gabrielle all day was obviously a bit tight. She couldn't even get it over her shoulders.
I got up to help her and after twenty minutes of pulling at the material we managed to get it to fit. I thought getting changed into our clothes would have been the easiest part of what we were trying to achieve today, but no. It was right then that I started to reconsider what we had put ourselves up for. Would it be so bad just to not do any of it and stay at home. We could even watch the Desperate Housewives boxset. Maybe we should just go about our normal everyday business at Geek Pie and not do the silly things we had planned.
Hmm, actually maybe a break from our old routines was just what we needed. Despite what the video clip showed, the last few weeks have been a bit rubbish around here. I spend my days sending off CVs, waiting to hear back from the jobs I've applied for and trying to work out new combinations of vegetables (carrots, swede, grandparents) to liquidise and turn into soup.
Breezy leads a slightly more glamorous existence. She's at college most days doing dance and drama;she goes along to auditions every so often and sings at gigs in the evenings. But still, doing this day in, day out can start to make your life get a bit humdrum.
So with this in mind, I got on my black pencil skirt, blue round toed wedges, my matching blue jumper and , to finish off, a set of my Mum's finest pearls. Breezy, often famed for dressing more slutty than any part demands (since when did any of the orphans in Annie wear crotchless panties, Breezy?), had a red low cut camisole on (once we managed to get it over her head) and black office shorts. To match she borrowed a strange black cardigan of mine, which I only bought because it said it doubles as a scarf and a poncho and bought a killer pair of red stiletto to finish the ensemble off nicely.
Many of the schemes that we embark on at Geek Pie are half baked to say the least. Most of them never get any further than us discussing them while sitting in our pyjama's in front of GMTV and Jeremy Kyle. Also neither of us has been blessed with the longest of attention spans, meaning that a brilliant idea we might hit upon one minute disappears into oblivion the next.
This Desperate Housewives thing has gone a bit further than that. We have a map showing everywhere we are planning to go to tomorrow, we have a timetable of events and we've already organised our props. This is quite easily the most organised thing we have ever done. The day we moved out we didn't actually start packing until my sister's boyfriend arrived with his van, but I suspect this had more to do with the realisation dawning on Breezy that she wouldn't be getting a homecooked meal again for quite some time. She went into denial and refused to pack anything. Kids, eh?
Yesterday night, Breezy decided that we should be assigned roles (it's the drama student in her) according to which housewife we most closely resemble in terms of attitude. I chose Edie, but then Breezy helpfully pointed out that I'm not a slut. I suggested that she should be Susan, but then we both realised that she's rubbish with her stoopid slapstick moments of non-hilarity every episode.
There was only one thing for it. We'd have to take a test. Thankfully, the show's official website has one here saving us from having to put in too much effort. The results say that Breezy should be the young, sexy and materialistic Gabriella Solis and that I am the uptight, repressed and embittened Bree Van De Kamp. Excellent!
Two words: Mirror Image
Again, the likeness is uncanny!
As there is only two of us, the other housewives will be slightly under represented during tomorrow, but apart from Lynette I'm not all that big a fan of any of the others anyway. We've dealt with it and moved on and we suggest you do the same.
Last week (Monday 27 March 2006) some news reached Geek Pie HQ that got Breezy and I very excited. Desperate Housewives was being made into a Sims style video game. You can buy a plot of land on Wisteria Lane, set up home and live the life of a forty something old crone. Admittedly, this might not sound like everybody's cup of tea in terms of life aspiration, but we're simple people and enjoy simple things.
After a very long and drawn out conversation about what a great idea this was for a video game, we realised with the release date for the title scheduled for the end of 2006 we wouldn't get to play at being Bree and co for ages.
Coupled with the shock news that I might soon have a proper job and have less time to arse about on the internet and with Breezy, we hit upon a plan to make sure that in the next few weeks we manage to shoehorn in as much arsing about as possible.
We decided that we couldn't wait until December to play pretend housewives, we needed to do it now. On Wednesday 5 April 2006, that's what we are going to do and our exploits and adventures will be documented here.
We can't promise you laughter, we can't promise you good times, but we can predict that you'll be glad it isn't you that's agreed to do this.